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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 17:49:24 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 17:49:24 GMT -5
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 17:51:16 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 17:51:16 GMT -5
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 17:59:26 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 17:59:26 GMT -5
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Are you sure that you don't know who I am?!" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 18:10:27 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 18:10:27 GMT -5
A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing.
He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 18:28:13 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 18:28:13 GMT -5
Kelly Davies, 23, a resident of Las Vegas, was visiting her in-laws in Los Angeles, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Kelly's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Kelly replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Kelly refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Kelly had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Kelly is a blonde.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 18:35:38 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 18:35:38 GMT -5
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."
Teacher says "Who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my..."
Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 18:39:08 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 18:39:08 GMT -5
Two good friends were out hiking one day. One of the hikers stepped off the trail to take a leak. Suddenly a rattlesnake bit him right where it counts most. He screamed and his friend came running.
After a minute of panic, the friend said... "Look you just wait here and rest while I run into town to get some help." His friend ran all the way to town and found the doctor.
Doctor: "Hmm.. well, I'm afraid you are going to have to cut the wound lengthwise across the fang marks and then suck all the venom out. Your friend should be just fine then." The town doctor wasn't able to go to the victim because advanced age so the hiker asked him to repeat his instructions several times just to be sure he had them right. He then ran as fast as he could back to his injured friend in the woods.
Injured Hiker: "Did you find the doctor?"
Friend: "Yes, I ran all the way to town and I found the doctor."
Injured Hiker: "Well, what did he say?"
Friend: "He said you're going to die..."
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:03:56 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:03:56 GMT -5
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:10:42 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:10:42 GMT -5
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:13:30 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:13:30 GMT -5
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:18:54 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:18:54 GMT -5
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:41:25 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:41:25 GMT -5
Christmas Hunting
Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart of every husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping. Men are by nature conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting an art gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no sense of accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again every year.
Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of attitude; how you approach the situation. Instead of "Christmas shopping", I call it "Christmas hunting". Instead of gathering presents, I "hunt and kill" them. Here is how it works:
The Prey
In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt. With a normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, etc. Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.
At Christmas time, the prey is the gift. The nature of the gift is what determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go Buffalo hunting, you would make all the necessary preparations - special permits, gun, travel plans, etc. Bagging a gift is the same.
The gift must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount additional for her personal gift. Just as a fish is different from a duck, gifts come in various forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality is the rule here.
In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some homework. This may involve actually looking or listening to your wife. See what earrings (who knows where they came from?) she is wearing. She will often give you hints that you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form of "I wish", or "it would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch to match my shoes", or it may be that page from the department store catalog that she wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled in red.
Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure with her when you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a display rack in a department store. See what catches her eye. Another source is the television shopping channel. Stop for a few more seconds and take note of what they are peddaling. This part of the process can be related to when you learn about the best fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.
The Weapon
The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to "kill" your prey, the gift, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A check book or credit card just don't look as ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing to wield. When you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown on customers bringing and carrying firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a suitable substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you don't mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the scabbard on a sword.
Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or bath oil beads that could substitute for the weapon. This may help you during your hunt for the gift. You don't have to purchase, just borrow it for a while until the real game has been tracked and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon- shaped object that would appeal to women.
The License
If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your driver's license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and tobacco products can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be displayed to the game warden (store clerk) when the weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get the gift. The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a lot of experience wrapping things, this is best left to the professionals in order to be more attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is determined by the balance left in your account.
The Site
Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go depends on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always shared space. The same field used for getting plants has been the roaming place for pheasants In the forest where berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get the gift, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called "The Mall".
If this is too drastic, a "Department Store" may help ease you into the experience.
At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk". This will help narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you can proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs. Each store in a mall is divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items sold there are separated as to type and size. There is usually an extra area designated for jewelry or electronic devices and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can lead you to the proper area.
Rules and Regulations
Getting a personal gift for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble:
- Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for something she really likes and "you will never know".
- Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too small. This translates in her mind as a compliment.
- No underwear, teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you, and also conflicts with rule two above.
- If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are building that romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest for something else.
- No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out stand.
- The gift must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An exception would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van - no.
- Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent trophy to give her.
- Expensive candy is okay, but does not constitute the main gift. Put this in her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back.
The Perfect Hunt
The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp. Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.
Divide into two's and hunt for the gift. Admire each other's kill.
Unless the gift is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the gift to the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.
Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.
I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the gift. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the door, and I was back in the car with her gift in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur hunter.
Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are.
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Jokes
Sept 10, 2005 19:55:52 GMT -5
Post by Tawnya on Sept 10, 2005 19:55:52 GMT -5
A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the US from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to US ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then Reigning monarch, Isabelle.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus'expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to heck you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our darn loan?"
They received the loan.
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